August 25, 2005


Edicts on language use. Also, theology.

I have a philosophical dislike of that cliched softball question, "Where do you see yourself in five years?" You just never know. I might be staring hollow-eyed at anything but the blood and brains spattered across the cubicles while slowly slipping more shells into the shotgun, steeling myself in the moments before exercising the Cassidy-Sundance option by bursting out the lobby doors at the waiting S.W.A.T. team while screaming something meaningful like "IN THE NAME OF THE FATHER, THE SON, AND THE HOLY GHOST, MOTHERFUCKERS!" with whitespace in that typesetting consisting of shotgun blasts. There's eleven of them, so I'll need to have acquired one of those scary-looking military-type assault shotguns that legislative bodies periodically have intense duelling-lobby-fundraising drives over in lieu of doing anything useful. (I have enough faith in our law enforcement community that I shouldn't need more than eleven, but, again, you just never know, so I'll keep a spare slung over my other shoulder.)

But I figure there's also a chance I could end up global emperor, after the UN enacts that one world government right after the Rapture hits. I don't currently think I'm the Antichrist--I mean, I know from my hairstyle that I don't have 666 on my head--but even without that, is it the sort of thing I'd know until called to it? From one of the gospels, Christ knew he was all that at the age of 12, talking smack to rabbis and such (actually, they don't actually state this, but I bet a big part of that whole nailing-to-a-plank-of-wood thing happened because one of the sanhedrin remembered getting dressed down by some snot-nosed little shit twenty years before and suddenly made the connection during deliberations) when his mom really just wanted to get the last of the groceries loaded up. Then he got grounded, one can infer, for the next twenty years.

But the point is, he knew what was up from the start. Dude always knew where he saw himself in five years. But if the Antichrist is really going to get down with any anti- worth its definition, it only makes sense that he would barely realize it even when the world was in his hands. It stands to reason.

In any case, I figured I should start seriously working on the edicts that I would issue for the gravy years between when I assume total global dominion up till that unfortunate retirement party when Jesus shows up again and kills me by spitting a sword out of his mouth. (I mean, honestly. Why not just use a gun? Always with the showing off, that boy.) I have a couple so far:

1: The written English language will cease forevermore to use diacritics in anything other than the pronunciation guides of dictionaries. It's a cliche, not a cliché, it's a resume, not a resumé, etc. People who can't figure that out from context are none of the antielect's concern, and quite frankly, those who got really low verbal scores on their SATs are likely to have been Raptured anyway, so to Hell with them. Or not Hell, the other place. The ionosphere.

2: The written English language will also cease italicizing "foreign" terms that it's appropriated. My seed could find no purchase in her barren womb, so our child was conceived in vitro? No, take him out back and shoot him, it was conceived in vitro. After the Tribulation Period, the armies of Christ will attack en masse? Firstly, why does he need an army, and second of all, they will attack en masse. I know they used to be other language's words, but screw them, they're ours now. Do we italicize North America's very land? We damn well do not.

I'll be hammering out more details later, but I think that's a good starting platform.

posted by Gar @ 1:16 PM
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