August 15, 2005


Zombies are fitness freaks

I watched "Land of the Dead" last night, as sort of a palette-cleanser from the much heavier fare mentioned in the previous entry. I'm still contemplating on how it best fits into the standard zombie socio-political spectrum, but that's the kind of thing that always works best with a year or so of distance anyway.

In terms of its quality, within the Romero franchise alone: better than Day, not as good as Dawn. (That's the Romero version Dawn of, not the Fast Zombie remake/reimagining.) I have hopes of a sequel in which our heroes get to drive Dead Reckoning across the continent, Damnation Alley-style, having adventures and walking the Earth like Caine in Kung Fu, if Caine had driven a jury-rigged anti-zombie APC and had to deal with zombies instead of tobacco-spitting cowboys who all inexplicably insisted on calling him "Chinaman."

Also, I wanted to save this Qt3 forum post I made, that answers the question of why, years after Zombie Apocalypse got underway, the stenches haven't rotted to pieces. The answer hit me with the blinding flash of inerrant gnosis, and the words flowed not from me, but through me. It has the sound that truth makes being said. The answer:

Well, it's just like regular exercise keeping the living body generally more fit and healthy than some other schlub who only gets off their ass to shuffle over for more Lil' Chocolate Donuts, or the toilet, or both. Or the semi-monthly findings from neurologists again confirming common sense by finding that older folks with more regular cerebral hobbies--mental exercise, yo--tend to have an easier time of things cognitive than their fellow schlubs who just sit around watching Matlock all night.

Your average corpse is really lazy. They just lay there. Of course they rot away within a matter of days, weeks tops. Zombies, though, they're constantly shuffling around, working their jaws, moaning and groaning. For dead folks, that's the equivalent of hours of calisthenics every day. They're fitness freaks, each and every one of them.

That boss zombie, he didn't just moan some, he was bellowing every few minutes; that dude was seriously feeling the burn. Even among zombies, he was the fitness freak above all fitness freaks. That's why he was at the self-actualized peak of the hierarchical zombie pyramid.

Boss Zombie, by the way, had the greatest role you could ever hope for in a zombie film. He got to shuffle around, peer at guns and other tools in dim recognition, and his only lines were, paraphrased, "GRAAAAAAGH!!!"

posted by Gar @ 4:29 PM
They could drive across the country, having adventures, being pursued by cop-zombies and helping little old zombie ladies to not get run off their land by the local evil corporate zombie robber baron. That's never been done before.

Chaining off that, it makes me wonder if anyone's ever compiled a list of TV series and/or movies that are a complete and utter ripoff of "The Fugitive." Maybe I need to devote a website to that so I can explain in great detail how each week the hero(es) stumble into another small town to help keep an old lady from getting run off her land by the local evil ... ah, whatever. God, life sucks.
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